The decision to euthanize a beloved pet is never easy, not even for adults. Adults can weigh the decision with perspective enhanced by life experience; yet adults are rarely free of the sense of guilt, the wondering…could I or should I have done more to preserve or prolong my pet’s life.

Young children should not be included in a decision making process about euthanasia. Children need concrete and simple explanations. Unless euthanasia occurs in an emergency situation, it is wise to prepare children ahead of time. Their pet should not simply disappear.

Please give death its real name. Use of terms like “put to sleep” has frightened many children into refusing to go to bed, for fear they’d go to sleep and not wake up like their pet who died. Children who have heard “we lost Fluffy” wonder where she is and when some one is going to go find her. Children will only learn that death is permanent with time and experience. Giving death its own name helps.

Children Need to Hear:

• Fluffy is too sick to get better. Her body is old and just doesn’t have enough strength or energy to get better. The doctor is going to help her to die so she doesn’t have to suffer (be sick) any more.

• Fluffy was too sick to get better. Her body was old and didn’t have enough energy left to recover. The doctor helped her to die so she would not suffer any more.

• Fluffy was hit by a car, she lived a little while, but the doctor could not fix all the broken parts of her body. Fluffy hurt a lot, and we did not want her to keep being in pain. Dad and I asked the doctor to help Fluffy to die so she would not hurt any more.

Children need to hear, in simple words, that doctors and veterinarians cannot make every sick dog, cat or person better, nor can they fix every injury. Understanding simple explanations about pet’s aging or dying from injuries, helps inoculate children for a future in which they will inevitably have to face the death of human loved ones.

Children Ages Three to Seven Years

Young children ages three to seven years have only a limited sense of time. They have not yet developed the ability to project ahead or conceptual time blocks in a way that helps them differentiate a day from a week, or a year. Without understanding the complexities of time they cannot understand that death is forever.

Because young children do not fully understand time, they cannot understand the permanence of death. Because they see themselves at the center of all that happens to them, they believe that they cause the bad things that happen. Children’s thoughts and momentary wishes about pets dying or running away are normal. Young children need huge quantities of repetitive reassurance before they fully understand that their private thoughts and wishes did not cause their pet’s injury, death or disappearance.

Television, with its frequently repeated episodes often shows familiar characters die only to be resurrected the following week in a rerun. Young children struggle to understand the difference between what is real and what is pretend. Think about how many times children watch cartoons where trucks flatten characters that magically reappear alive, only moments later. Most children have difficulty understanding that death is permanent. Some children will argue with adults that their dead pet will definitely be back because they have seen television characters come back after they “died” in a show.

Children Ages Eight to Twelve Years

Some older children, age eight to twelve years, are mature enough to be included in discussions about the medical options available for a sick or injured pet. Children need information to understand what is happening. They especially need to understand that what is happening to their pet is not their fault. Children should not be given any responsibility for making a decision about euthanasia.

Children do not have the perspective or life experience to weigh all the emotional, medical and financial factors that go into the heart wrenching decision to euthanize a pet. Asking children to weigh the financial realities of extensive surgery, expensive medications, or long hospitalizations would burden them unduly. Children have no power to affect family income nor spending priorities. Children need to trust their parents to make the big decisions about health care and family finances.

Adolescents

During the teen years maturity and ability to participate in decisions varies widely. Teens should only be asked to participate in the decision to euthanize a pet if they truly have a choice. If further medical care would only prolong suffering, or the family simply does not have the financial resources for extensive medical intervention, then parents should make the decision. Like younger children, teens need good information. They can handle more of the complexities inherent in the decision making process, and should be allowed a voice. Even into their teen years, children should not have primary responsibility for making a decision to euthanize a pet.

Who Should be Present When a Pet Dies

Some children may want to be present when their pet dies. In non-emergency situations the decision is best made carefully with advice from a veterinarian, and perhaps a minister or counselor. Attending the peaceful death of a cherished family pet can be healing for some children.

There is not one single correct way to handle death. No hard and fast wisdom about death applies. Never pressure a child to attend the moment of death nor to view or touch the pet after it has died. Offer children a choice. Respect and support their decisions. Help children understand that their choice is truly okay, whichever way they decide. Children’s questions evolve over time, and they may require many repetitions of explanations before they can put the subject to rest. Feelings often emerge and re-emerge in cycles. Sometimes it may seem that your child is most upset when you, the parent, feel least resilient and most unable to cope with your own feelings.

After the Pet Dies

Even anticipated deaths create painful feelings and require time and space for mourning. In the face of critical injury or catastrophic illness, parents may themselves experience grief of overwhelming proportion. Parents may not have the emotional stamina for children’s repetitive questions; parents might also lack the perspective with which to offer children reassurance. Adults and children of all ages benefit from reminders that the pain of loss diminishes over time. Referral to a grief counselor, a family counselor, or a minister may help the family recover more quickly from the death of their pet. Books on the subject of pet deaths may also offer significant solace to some families.

© 2002 Barbara Handelman, M.Ed.
Adult, Child and Family Counselor
www.DogTrainingAtHome.com
This material may be copied and distributed as long as no fee for the material is charged, and proper credit for authorship is attached.